Coping with the Effects of A Leader’s Sin
Coping with the Effects of A Leader’s Sin:
A Letter for a Hurting Church from a Therapist
by Tizita Seifu MA, LPC | Therapist
WHEN THE NEWS HURTS
With several churches navigating the impact of personal sin from a leader, many have been impacted. Coping with the effects of your leader’s sin can bring hurt and risks. Here are some key opportunities I have found helpful and healthy mentally and spiritually, personally and as a Therapist.
As someone who has seen the foundational health value of God and the global church, I also write this in hopes of continuing to influence common church culture and how it has historically often misunderstood key aspects of mental health and what is mentally healthy.
CONSIDER YOUR MENTAL HEALTH:
As you are walking through having learned that one of your spiritual leaders’ shared that they had chosen sin and they are working on their repentance, meaning turning away from and no longer choosing to sin, and have been forgiven,
Have you checked in
on your mental health?
BE ON GUARD:
The enemy would love to take advantage of you right now, by causing you to be discouraged by the news or consequences of failure. The enemy would be glad to see you led away from healthy responses and healthy spaces.
Noticing and managing our thoughts, emotions and actions in helpful, constructive and manageable ways can be challenging in the face of life stress. This can be more challenging when we feel sad, angry or hurt. This is especially hard when we are not intentionally finding relief and peace from stress and hurt.
NOTICE THE GRIEF:
As a Therapist, I share with you something that the Holy Spirit reminded me of as I too, currently walk through my own journey with this, that was helpful, in case it may also help you. I was focusing on spiritual responses but forgot this:
GOD’S Reminder:
DO NOT FORGET TO GRIEVE
Grief can be experiencing shock, denial or acceptance, and feelings of anger or sadness. It can be any or all of these feelings and that is normal. Grief does not mean that you do not have faith. Grief does not mean that you are blaming anyone. Grief does not mean that you are continuing to be offended by a person’s sin or being unforgiving.
I missed that I personally was grieving as I got too busy and forgot to check in on myself to see how the news was affecting me. I missed various things going on me as I navigate this personally, such as missing my Pastor. I missed noticing that I had become worried about how others’ faith may be shaken. This awareness got me back on track to additional constructive and healthy responses.
UNDERSTAND THE VALUE OF YOUR PAIN:
Pain, whether physical or emotional, can be a way that our mind, body or spirit alerts us that something is wrong. Pain helps draw our attention to the parts of our mind, body or spirit that need more attention.
IN THIS SENSE, PAIN INDICATES
OPPORTUNITIES TO PURSUE HEALING.
DISTINGUISH HEALTHY VERSUS UNHEALTHY RESPONSE:
HEALTHY:
CAN be emotional AND
trustS and actS on Truth.
UNHEALTHY:
DENIES PRESENT EMOTIONS AND
FORGETS to trust and act on Truth.
ENGAGE HEALTHY EXPRESSION AND COMMUNITY:
We are spiritual beings also having a human experience. Grief is a normal part of being human. Grief can be a normal response to any loss.
CHECK-IN:
+How are you feeling?
curiosity:
+Is your feeling reflecting A need?
connect:
+REGULARLY ENGAGE with
HEALTHY COMMUNITY
Allow yourself to have the space to feel your feelings. Be in spaces that listen, support and encourage you in discussing your thoughts and feelings, as needed. Pursue and engage healthy coping skills and healthy relationships.
PURSUE A HOLISTIC RESPONSE TO YOUR GRIEF:
Take a holistic approach to your mental health if you are navigating through hurt in your church or with your spiritual leader. Care for your spirit and mind. Understand that faith and grieving can and do coexist. Pursue relationships that support, engage and regard all of you-mind, emotions, and spirit. Care for yourself and others.
Consider reaching out to me if you are struggling to have peace, faith, or to maintain hope. I am a Therapist trained and invested in regarding and supporting you as a whole person-mind, body and spirit.
Seeking effective support can make the heavy times feel more manageable. Reaching out for support in painful times can keep us from being led away from the things that support our mental and spiritual health.
A BIBLICAL RESPONSE TO SIN AND GRIEF:
SIN AND FORGIVENESS:
“ for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” -Romans 3:23
“if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” -1 John 1:9
“For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.” -Matthew 7:2
“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.” “But each one must examine his own work, and then he will have reason for boasting in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another.” -Galatians 6:1, 6:4
NORMAL AND HEALTHY EMOTIONAL RESPONSES:
“My eyes shed streams of water, because they do not keep Your law.” -Psalm 119:36
“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven.” “A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.” -Ecclesiastes 3:1, 3:4
“that I have great sorrow and unceasing grief in my heart.” -Romans 9:2
“Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” -Ephesians 4:26-27
HEALTHY SUPPORT SYSTEMS:
“Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.” -Proverbs 11:14
“Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.” -Galatians 6:2
BE CAREFUL OF UNHEALTHY SPACES:
Be careful with people that stop or discourage you from expressing your emotions in normal and appropriate ways; even though they may intend to be helpful, this is harmful and unhealthy behavior mentally and spiritually. Be careful also because this may be rooted in an attempt to control or to force assimilation which can impede your mental and spiritual health and fulfillment and may inhibit you from pursuing what you need.
Langone* offers some helpful considerations relevant to the mental health discussion, to determine if a person or group may be behaving in harm to the people involved:
The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and regards his/her belief system, ideology, and practices as the truth or law.
Appropriate questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel.
The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
*Reference: Lalich J, Tobias M. Take Back Your Life: Recovering From Cults and Abusive Relationships. Berkeley, CA: Bay Tree Publishing; 2006.
I am a Board licensed clinical Therapist in private practice focused on supporting the Church to realize wellness surrounding concerns of anxiety, depression, career stress, and grief.